Proof Your Marriage: Ashley Madison was a Symptom

Each morning when we can, my wife and I watch the Today Show www.today.com , together. We usually record it and shrink the viewing time to about 25 minutes by skipping all the commercials and teasers. Today had already planned a series this week on Marriage, and by a look at the news recently, their timing could not have been better.

After last weeks Ashley Madison Hacker scandal we keep seeing famous and not so famous people being caught up in the carnage. From politicians and Duggars( http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/20/us/josh-duggar-ashley-madison/ ) to political cartoons (   ), the fallout continues. This morning brought the first report of two apparent suicides related to revelations of the hackers. http://www.nytimes.com/reuters/2015/08/24/world/americas/24reuters-ashleymadison-cybersecurity-suicides.html

Now a former employee of Ashley Madison claims the website actually made up many of the women listed as interested in affairs. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3206846/Hacked-adultery-website-Ashley-Madison-created-hundreds-fake-female-profiles-lure-male-customers-claims-former-employee.html while The Week profiles a british writer who claims there are just as many women who want to have affairs as men. http://theweek.com/articles/573446/why-are-denying-that-women-used-ashley-madison

Locally, our own State Attorney Jeff Ashton had to schedule a news conference  this past Sunday to say he had done no wrong and the only person he had to explain himself to was the mother of his children.

Finally, in case you are wondering about Central Florida, the following link contains 4,589 individual entries, including names, addresses and web addresses from the Orlando area. https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10VMj6xx85aPyY4MocEEnpYwkbCAsG483JK8aQ3pMQoo/htmlview?pli=1
Thanks to "Life has a Restart Button" Walter Benenati, http://www.407bankrupt.com/

But enough about Affairs!

This week Today is featuring ideas and answers to help strengthen your marriage. This morning's segment begins with the "Summer of Celebrity Breakups" and asks if these high-profile breakups mean all marriages are in trouble? Not really says the expert. Northwestern University's professor Eli Finkel.
http://www.today.com/health/3-tips-make-your-marriage-stronger-happier-ever-t40261

Marriages are stronger than ever in some cases. Here are a few examples:

How about a 100 year old couple who have been married 75 years! Congratulations: http://www.today.com/news/100-year-old-couple-celebrates-love-75-years-after-saying-t40396

Celine Dion proves her love by vowing she will take care of her cancer stricken husband until he dies in her arms here: http://www.today.com/health/celine-dion-opens-about-husbands-illness-hell-die-my-arms-t40551

And a couple in Toronto held the grooms funeral on the date they originally intended for the wedding when he lost his long battle with cancer.  http://www.today.com/health/after-dream-ceremony-mans-funeral-held-what-should-have-been-t40356

And people are still getting married (though I hope they are consulting attorneys for prenuptial agreements because sometimes these are needed and many times they create a dialogue that needs to occur.)

Sofia Vergara is getting married and made the cover of several magazines. http://www.today.com/style/see-sofia-vergara-try-gorgeous-wedding-dresses-t40371

Alison Brie and Dave Franco got engaged. http://www.today.com/popculture/alison-brie-dave-franco-get-engaged-mad-men-star-shows-t40591

For so many, Marriage is a lifelong goal. For others, marriage is not so serious. Where do you fit in? If your marriage is in need of help, watch the Today Show this week. Try the advice of professionals. Work as hard at your marriage as you do at your work.

If these ideas are not your idea of the right direction, perhaps it is time to think about divorce and how you get out of a bad situation. Collaborative Divorce works for many families with children, significant assets or PRIVACY concerns. Or, if you just need to know the options, call me.

Randy Greater's Grandma's Rules for Thanksgiving - I love This

Grandma's Thanksgiving Dinner invite letter :

 

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in
my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might
consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not
2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00.Arrive late and you get what's left over....
 

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those
contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year,
the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop
of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
 

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at
someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove.
Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date
them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
 

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have
decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice
things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the
environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to
deal with.
 

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The
television stays off during the meal.

  2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter
bottles because your children still open a third can before
finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is
empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close
attention to refills.

  3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other
way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad
comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with
the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a
good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you.
Buy something from the bakery.

  4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact
of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home,
they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

  5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being
a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without
bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has
a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not
eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look
at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

  7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

  8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am
sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed
at me.

  9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the
kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because
company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has
lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat
is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I
can live with that. Can you?
 

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't
need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And
if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.
Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
 

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a
battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and
it's true now that you have kids.
 

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas.
Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
 

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with
beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from
each family needs to be the designated driver.

  I really mean all of the above.

 

                                  Love You, Grandma

Collaborative Divorce - Conscious Uncoupling

Why do we call "Collaborative Divorce" - Conscious Uncoupling?

Because when you work hard to think about how to disentangle your lives, you find yourself able to be friends afterword. Imagine what that does for your children!


https://celebrity.yahoo.com/blogs/celeb-news/will-smith-and-ex-wife-reunite-to-celebrate-son-birthday-162934798.html?soc_src=mediacontentstory&soc_trk=fb

In Defense of Marriage and other Divorce Topics

We have Attorney General Pam Bondi defending "traditional" marriage in Florida. George Sheldon is trying to unseat her in the election November 4th.  In China, mobs are defending marriage. http://www.opposingviews.com/i/society/crime/mob-led-scorned-wife-strips-husbands-mistress-naked-streets-beats-her

So you really did not marry the "Love of your life." Or maybe you did but He or She CHANGED! That is so unfair. Perhaps the Love of your Life was really infatuation and it took 17 years to figure out you were not really that taken by their longterm life goals. Today must be Huffington Post day, because every article I read pointed to or derived from an article amalgamated by Ariana Huffington.

The first one is actually called, "I Didn't Marry the Love of My Life." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/04/marrying-for-love_n_5642062.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular


Another Divorce related Huffington Post article deals with the role of Parenting Coordinators. When parents cannot seem to agree on any issue, many courts will appoint a Parenting Coordinator to facilitate communication for the benefit of the children.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nicole-h-sodoma/parenting-coordinators-child-custody_b_5287604.html

Of course, after a Collaborative Divorce, many clients report their communications with their former spouse have never been so good.

Then there are the dreaded 6 Words No Divorced Parent Wants to Hear. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/03/parenting-after-divorce_n_5632205.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular
You may have guessed: Mom/Dad, I want to live with Dad/Mom. (I know its 7, but the title of the story is not mine to change.)

Along with many guidelines for parents to follow so their children will never utter those horrible words! Do not "badmouth" the other parent. Cover your legal bases. Remain active in your child's life. Recognize the value of the other parent. Yes, good ideas if only clients will follow them.

Parental Alienation Syndrome -Seminar Sunday- Real Enough for Canada

Every week or so I get an email from the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization, PAAO, with resources for families experiencing Alienation by one parent. Sometimes the information includes very helpful links to outlines ( http://www.paawareness.org/video/BrianLudmer-Short%20.pdf, )seminars (https://www3.gotomeeting.com/register/484691638) , etc.

Sunday August 25, PAAO is hosting an online webinar regarding Parental Alienation entitled: Organize Your Own Court Case.
The Seminar link is https://www3.gotomeeting.com/register/484691638.

I recommend NOT attempting your own litigation in a complex divorce case involving Parental Alienation. The risks are just too high.
Child Custody, or Timesharing as we refer to it in Florida is a critical component of your child's development.
Timesharing also impacts Child Support. It never fails in a Modification Case seeking additional timesharing that the party against whom the pleadings are filed believes the
Many people don't consider the implications on Child Support when they work out their Parenting Plan.
If you have Questions, Call Me! 407-645-3297 or visit my website at www.aubreylaw.com

Ask Your Attorney to Attend!

Modification Workshop – Orlando, FL August 26, 2013

 

 

Event Details

Track I: 8 Hour Course (Includes 1 hour ethics) for Mediators: Residential Mortgage Modification Course pursuant to Administrative Order 2013-3 for inclusion on the Bankruptcy Court panel of mediators for the United States Bankruptcy Court, Middle District of Florida
Track II: 8 Hour Course (Includes 1 hour ethics) for Attorneys, Staff and Law Students: Successful Mortgage Mediation through Bankruptcy

Time

8:30 a.m. – 4:35 p.m.

Cost

Early Registration through August 18, 2013
Attorney / Mediator: $349.00
Staff: $249.00
Law Students: $150.00
Late Registration begins August 19, 2013
Attorney / Mediator: $399.00
Staff: $299.00
Law Students: $199.00
Flash drive of materials and resource tools are provided. Binder cost is $75.00

Location

UCF Executive Development Center at Ying Academic Center
University of Central Florida
36 West Pine Street
Orlando, Florida 32801

View Larger Map
For parking details, click here: Directions and Parking to EDC 2011
Hotel Information: Crown Plaza Hotel Orlando

• Workshops

"Family Circus" Best - Not in Court

One of my favorite cartoons is Family Circus. One of my favorite cartoons included the following exchange between the characters 3 year old and 6 year old siblings:

Why are you crying?

Mom and Dad are yelling at each other.

But at least they are not yelling at you!

I know, but if they were yelling at me, at least I'd understand it!

Family conflict is difficult for children to understand. When parents fail to communicate, or communicate in abusive ways, children suffer the most, primarily because they do not understand. They try to understand Love through their parents' teaching, but when parents resort to yelling, children become stressed because they do not understand!
Mommy and Daddy love each other.
Mommy and Daddy love me.
Mommy and Daddy are yelling at each other.
Mommy and Daddy will yell at me.
So goes childhood logic. Children resort to acting out. Parents resort to discipline. The Spiral of Conflict has begun. Where will it end?

Collaborative Divorce seeks to place two parents on equal terms for communication with a trained guide to assist in adult, two-way communication. Many parents say they communicate better after a Collaborative Divorce than they Ever Did in the marriage.

What a shame we cannot get the communications right before the Marriage is endangered.

When you have questions regarding a Collaborative Divorce, Call me!
I will teach you effective ways to communicate.

Collaborative Law in Orlando and Winter Park

July 15 and 16, I attended the Interdisciplinary Collaborative Law Training at the University of Florida Levin College of Law. While I relish any opportunity to return to law school, this trip was particularly helpful. Co-Sponsored by the Institute for Dispute Resolution and the Center on Children and Families, the Gainesville Collaborative Divorce team spent two full days reviewing the Who, what, when and where, as well as the hows and whys of Collaborative Divorce.

For almost 12 years as an attorney, I have always tried to work in a cooperative way with other lawyers. I find little is solved by acrimonious debate as harsh litigation tends to prolong litigation and impoverish the parties more than solve the issue at hand. While I have always tried to be cooperative, I have never been "officially" trained as a "Collaborative Attorney."

Not anymore. There are new tools in the shed. There are many more choices when considering divorce. Ask yourself, what is best for my family?

In law school at the University of Florida, Dean Richard Matasar stressed the collaborative process as a way to make the practice of law more fulfilling to attorneys. Many of us got into this practice because we want to help people; unfortunately, for many people, divorce is the most disagreeable practice in law. Dean Matasar taught many of his students that you don't have to be disagreeable when your opinion differs from the other side of the courtroom. Following his example, I have always tried to work with opposing counsel in a cooperative manner. Since completing the training program this summer, I am now officially trained in Collaborative Law practice.

I look forward to offering this new service in Collaborative Law in Divorce cases, as well as Guardianship cases. The Collaborative Process allows the parties to work out their issues with a trained professional, usually a Mental Health Counselor, a financial professional trained in divorce accounting and valuation, a mediator if necessary and two collaboratively trained attorneys, rather than litigating and leaving ultimate decisions to the Judge.

While the above listing of professionals involved may sound expensive at first blush, most participants in a collaborative divorce will agree that the process itself is more healing and conducive to protecting the parent to parent relationships necessary when children are involved. Also, in a litigated divorce, most professionals (Valuation, Accounting and Mental Health) will be duplicated as each side employs their own "hired guns" to best present their case. The Experts hired by each side will inevitably argue and reinforce their own opinions rather than working with all parties to facilitate a mutually beneficial result.

Collaborative Law may not be for everyone, but for many families with children, the process allows the parents to work out the best interests for their children rather than leaving it all up to the judge.

If you have questions, call me at 407-645-3297, or send an email to: aubrey@aubreylaw.com

I look forward to hearing from you.

Family Reunion in Tennessee

This past weekend, I drove 24 hours round trip to Tennessee to see my family. The family, distant relations, cousins and friends most of whom I had not seen since I last attended this reunion 25 years ago, was described by one of the 55 year 'friends' as the Nicest family she has ever known. What a Joy. Sharing stories of long ago loves, courtships, children, pranks, jokes, dances, murders, drunkeness, abandonment, the list grows longer, but the stories are told again. The family is described in two different books and its is likely that every person who traveled the Cumberland Gap road between 1796 and today has been impacted by the Snoderlies, Cranks, Bollingers, Onks, Eubanks and others who make up this delightful bunch.

This family has its share of unpleasant issues and complications. One Great-grandmother is cared for by a grandson, though her son or daughter could also provide the care. The family as a whole abhors nursing homes due to an incident of elder abuse in the 70's that proved no care is like family care.

Divorces are evident with second spouses and questions of first wives, children with differing last names, even one divorced couple that still attend because they both love all these people so much.

The Chidren were incredible. No fighting, just playful banter between long lost friends who have never met, but because their parents said they are cousins must be glad to see each other.

One family was restored many years ago after a newborn boy was given up for adoption. An ad in a geneological magazine led the family to find him and learn they had lived within 20 miles of each other for the past 40 years.

Pickin guitars, and singing songs late into the night while negotiating for just a taste of homemade peach wine, kept us up til all hours, but noone was too tired to be pleasant.

On the whole, and by all individual parts, I would not trade this weekend for anything.

Customer Service and Community Relations

It Takes a Villiage to Raise a Child. No doubt you heard the title of Hillary Clinton's book published many years ago. She cited the African proverb to show that we are all connected and the success of the least is in many ways related to the success of the whole.

In Winter Park, Florida, many people know Andy. He was adopted about 40 years ago as an infant. As he developed, his parents discovered he was a victim of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. For many years he has been seen riding his shiny red bicycle around the neighborhoods, many people unaware of his disabilities. Sometimes he yells at cars which do not stop at red octagonal signs. Sometimes he yells at people who run or walk in the "bicycle lanes", and sometimes he just yells. He is a wonderfully nice man, but his disability prevents his knowing what to say or not say. If questioned about how he should react to any given situation, he may answer "do what Jesus would do."

He works occasionally at Tijuana Flats, one of my daughter's Favorite Restaurants. he picks up trash and empty trays from tables. He moves chairs in and out and does other odd jobs. One day a customer was upset because of something Andy had said or done. When she approached the manager to express her concern, she told him that if Andy continued to work there, she and her family would not come back. The manager, in true customer service fashion, provided her with a gift certificate to the restaurant and informed her of the other locations around the city where she could dine without having Andy disturb her meal. He also said she was welcome to come back, but would likely find Andy at the restaurant as he was a valued employee.

Last weekend, I saw Andy's parents dropping him off at work on a Saturday. Normally he doesn't work weekends when the restaurant is busier. This day the boss had called him to come in special. He was thrilled. I pray we can all look for the Andy in our life and remember, it takes a villiage.

Great Resources for Family Law Issues

You can always visit my site at http://www.aubreylaw.com/

If you choose, you can visit the site http://lawyers.com/duckerlaw/

If you visited the Lawyers.com site, you might find an update on current family law issues at:

http://lawyers.com/duckerlaw/FamilyLawNewsletter.jsp

Sometimes a little information can help you to ask the right questions.

What do you want to learn?


The Family Law Newsletter is created and maintained by Lexis/Nexis, one of the leaders in Legal Research Sources. Below are some current excerpts:

Juvenile Litigation with Respect to Institutional Confinement Facilities

There are many juveniles that are confined to public and private institutions. Many of the institutions have deplorable conditions. Juveniles are often held in dingy cells or small, dark rooms and are confined for hours, days, or weeks. Often times juveniles are deprived of exercise, recreational activities and schooling. Sometimes juveniles are even supervised by untrained or inadequate staff as well.More...

Child Custody and Religion

Religion is usually not an issue in child custody proceedings, even if the parents practice different religions. For example, if a child has a Christian mother and a Jewish father, a court will not consider the merits of either religion in determining which parent should have custody of the child. The court will grant custody to one parent, or joint custody to both parents, and the child will be exposed to both the mother's religion and the father's religion.More...

Postmarital Agreements

A postmarital agreement, or postnuptial agreement, is an agreement executed by a husband and wife after they are married. More...

Enforcement of Child Support

When a court enters an order of child support, it orders one party to pay a certain sum of money to another for the support of a child. The person who is ordered to pay is called the obligor. The person who received the payment is the obligee. The amount of child support that is payable is usually based on state law that takes into consideration the number of children for which an obligor is responsible and the amount of income the obligor earns from all sources. More...

Adoption and Safe Families Act - Overview

In 1997, the United States Congress passed the Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA). The ASFA was enacted to modify and clarify certain requirements of the Adoption Assistance and Child Welfare Act, a federal law enacted in 1980, and the Family Preservation and Support Services Act, a federal law enacted in 1984. More...

When Its Over

How do you know when the marriage is truly OVER?

A Few Questions:
Has counseling been attempted, in good faith by both parties?
Has the "objectional conduct" (whether that be financial irresponsibility, adultery, abuse or disrespect) continued despite numerous suggestions, demands, ultimatums, counseling sessions and threats?
Have you put forth every effort to follow the Serenity Prayer?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Are there things you cannot change that your partner cannot forgive?
Are there things your partner cannot change that you cannot forgive?

If you answer yes to these questions, then it is time for a divorce. Children do not flourish in an environment of discord, anger, mistrust and false security. If you would get divorced but for having children, how does your conflict affect the children?

Most people who call my office either Know their marriage is over, or Want to Know if their marriage can be saved. Unfortunately, Whether their marriage is over or salvageable is one question they have to answer for themselves. If you are looking here for the answer, call me and lets discuss the situation. I'll try to help You find the right answer for You.

Give Gifts with Warm Hands

Heirs only arrive after death. It is much better to give gifts while the recipient can say thank you. Who wants to wait until someone dies in order to inheirit the land, jewelry, and other possessions of life. In my office I meet people very often who want to write a Will. On many occasions it seems people want to allow some decisions about the division of property to be made by the heirs "After I am gone." "Ill let my children figure that out," they will say.

I can honestly say I see nothing worse than putting children to work deciding who gets what after you are gone. Even if they get along great and are perfectly attuned to your wishes, to leave that burden for them is a terrible curse and can be dangerous to your estate. One may not want to take anything, but have regrets later. There may be one item of furniture they both want causing years of mental anguish. Probate costs are minimal with a well-drafted will that leaves nothing to be worried about later. When the Personal Representative or Executor is forced to make judgment decisions, probate costs skyrocket and may take a much greater portion of the estate than would otherwise be required.

Give gifts while you are alive, with "Warm Hands", so that when your hands are cold in death, you may be eulagized as a generous person who thought of others. Don't set up problems for your children. Relieve them of the burdens of probate by making those decisions in your will or prior to your death.

Judges and Counselors

One judge in my district put it this way, “I have more than 1,500 different cases. Each one expects me to remember all the details in the court file, know who is telling the truth, act fairly between them, protect their children, divide their property, make the other person follow court rulings on a daily basis, and know what is in the best interests of all involved. I have maybe 30 minutes or an hour of testimony from each of them and they expect me to know what is best. I have never even seen their home, or children. How can any Judge know what is 'Best' for this family?”
Many times an attorney is simply trying to counsel the client to accept the possibilities of Divorce. Realize there are no “winners and losers” just people trying to get on with their lives. Inevitably, clients make mention of church, God, their upbringing or spouses religious life. This is the time when I truly am able to counsel as a Christian, not simply an attorney. From my own life, I cite numerous examples of God working in and through difficult times to a more Holy result. The Bible is filled with examples of broken lives being useful to God, even when the person in question did not acknowledge the broken nature of their relations. Divorce begins as a broken relationship. Whether the break results from outside forces or interior struggles, broken relations are the status. The Court acknowledges and affirms the broken relationship and divides the property, setting a course for future relations either as parents or merely former spouses.