Is Divorce an All or Nothing Proposal?

In Divorce, an all or nothing mentality may actually harm your chance of a normal life after. Why should it be so? Laws in Florida imply, if not outright require, a roughly 50/50 equitable distribution and recent changes to longstanding presumptions make a 50/50 timesharing proposal the seeming norm.
While an All or Nothing mentality may be bad for divorce, it seems an the All or Nothing thought on  Marriage is actually necessary. Sunday's New York Times, www.nytimes.com included an article: The All or Nothing Marriage.  http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?_r=0  "the answer to whether today’s marriages are better or worse is “both”
The author, Eli J. Finkel, explains how women's rights have actually strengthened marriages, as well as weakening them. He explores reasons why some marriages succeed despite great obstacles while others fail with little or no friction.

Anecdotally, I have seen both as well. In my dual practice of Elder Law and Family Law. I have worked on the estate planning of "happily married 60 years" octogenarians and I have worked on divorces for people married less than 8 months. The Times article deftly addresses radical differences that impact both.

While a marriage may be All or Nothing, does the feared divorce have to be? I would say No. Many people are traumatized by divorce; however, many more are happier after leaving a bad marriage. In court just yesterday, a father shook his head in disagreement as Judge Roger McDonald said some people are happier after divorce. I know his ex-wife is happier. I also know he longs for the opportunity to correct the many mistakes of 12 years ago that resulted in a divorce. The children are caught in the middle and as the same judge says in his self-published book, "It's Not the Divorce that Hurts, It's the Fighting."

We no longer live in the world of The Waltons, as the death of my favorite father figure actor Ralph Waite testifies. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/arts/television/ralph-waite-patriarch-in-tv-series-the-waltons-dies-at-85.html

Social mores are no longer attuned to a clearly religious concept of right and wrong. Today, children must be heard rather than silenced. Women can and do "have it all" as shown by the possible next Governor of Texas, Wendy Davis.  http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/16/magazine/wendy-davis.html

But, what if you don't want to just divide down the middle? What if you worked harder, contributed more, sacrificed more, brought in more, than your partner? How do we count the division of marital labor in a divorce? As time goes by, many rights that were clear a few years ago have changed. Even with regard to a swimming pool and shared use. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/18/nyregion/complex-with-a-rare-indoor-amenity-is-divided-over-who-gets-to-swim-in-it.html

As the courts try to wrangle with rights of the parties, many choose to go their own way. Rather than have the court address all manner of evidence from social media, Facebook, Twitter and the like,
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/16/sunday-review/social-media-a-trove-of-clues-and-confessions.html
some people choose a "Nothing" Divorce. As in, Nothing for the Court to Decide. Nothing worth destroying the family over. Nothing is better than destroying the relations between children and parents.

Collaborative Divorce allows the parties to work through the same questions of divorce, but with the help of a communications specialist, two attorneys and an independent financial guru to ensure that each party's needs and goals are met so far as is possible. The Parties Make All Decisions. Nothing is left to the Judge to decide. Routinely Collaborative Law Attorneys are surprised at how warring factions can come together across a table to agree on goals that protect their children, as well as maximize their future. Just ask one.

When you need help, call me, 407-645-3297 or visit my website, www.aubreylaw.com
And just for reading this, enjoy this little nugget: 

Collaborative Divorce

In a Collaborative Divorce, the husband and wife communicate their goals to a team of professionals who assist in keeping the mutual goals as paramount as the marriage comes to an end.

The Wife and Husband make all decisions, Not the Judge. Not the Attorneys. The Parties to the Marriage maintain control of their marriage and control of their divorce. Adults know sometimes bad things happen to good people. Adults know bad incidence do not define life. Adults know that hard choices require full disclosure of risks and benefits.

Collaborative Attorneys know Moms and Dads make decisions in their children and families' best interests when given the opportunity and assistance.
When you are faced with Marital Problems that seem beyond your control, call me. You have the control if you will only select the right tool for the job. Litigation is the wrong tool for most families.

My number is 407-645-3297. Or visit my website www.aubreylaw.com

I look forward to assisting your family in keeping priorities in perspective and making the right decisions.

A Divorce Lawyer's Advice on Marriage

How long have you been married? 25 years. I used to answer that question, "13 years, but it feels like forever." I was not meaning an insult, simply stating that I felt like I had always been with my wife. Strange then that I ended up ending marriages for profit. I don't actually end the marriage, I just do the paperwork, and get the court's approval.

The New York Times (www.nytimes.com) had two articles leading up to Valentines' Month that really hit on the issues of marriage, especially Long Term Marriage.

The first, Does Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex, compares the division of chores and the division of income to find a prosperous balance of work while maintaining sexual stereotypes of work division. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html
Both funny and illustrative, the article comes up with the following proper division for pure marital bliss:   The risk of divorce is lowest when the husband does 40 percent of the housework and the wife earns 40 percent of the income.
Wish I had known that before I got engaged! My wife was an attorney when we met, and I was a Sailor. Not the romantic type on a yacht or sailing ship, the enlisted type, E-3. The difference in our incomes was quite staggering. Thankfully, after putting me through college and law school, my wife continues to practice, and our incomes greatly changed. I don't know how to divide housework, but I like doing most of the cooking. I prefer to do the 'man jobs' as well, but she routinely takes out the trash or takes the rolling carts to the street.

Daniel Jones, editor of Modern Love writes another article, Good Enough? That's Great! listing several types of people and problems with long term marriages, some of which might lead to awards of alimony, unequal equitable distribution and many other problems during a litigated divorce. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/fashion/good-enough-thats-great.html
"Those Who Sneak," as Jones calls them, are the primary pool of potential clients of most attorneys. We all know someone who is just one phone call, text or picture away from a nasty divorce fight. Of course they are the 'quiet victim' in their own mind. The philanderers, cheaters, letches and creeps follow stereotypes that prove the rule. When I hear women say, "all men are dogs" or "he just can't keep it in his pants" I am seldom sympathetic.
Then there are the people Jones refers to as the Quashers.
Quashers suppress their feelings of slights in order to keep their little world safe. Don't upset him. Don't make her angry. Just get over the feelings of anger, hurt, humiliation and fear. It won't happen again, until it does, and once again, they will quash their own feelings, desires, emotions to keep the family safe.

Finally there are the Restorers. Jones writes, "When a restorer couple’s marriage starts to feel subpar, they sit down and have a sensible discussion about where their marriage is and where they would like it to be. Then they set goals and seek the means to achieve those goals. Typically affluent, educated and highly motivated, restorer couples almost single-handedly support the vast and profitable marriage-improvement industry." These are the people who choose Collaborative Marriage and Collaborative Divorce when necessary.

In a Collaborative Divorce, the husband and wife communicate their goals to a team of professionals who assist in keeping the mutual goals as paramount as the marriage comes to an end. The Wife and Husband make all decisions, Not the Judge. Not the Attorneys. The Parties to the Marriage maintain control of their marriage and control of their divorce. Adults know sometimes bad things happen to good people. Adults know bad incidence do not define life. Adults know that hard choices require full disclosure of risks and benefits. Collaborative Attorneys know Moms and Dads make decisions in their children and families' best interests when given the opportunity and assistance.

Call me at 407-645-3297 or visit my website at www.aubreylaw.com
I look forward to helping your family in its time of crisis.

On Marriage and Divorce, Collaborative Style

We can't all have a marriage like Jay Z and Beyoncé. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/04/arts/music/beyonce-and-jay-zs-sultry-dance-makes-a-case-for-marriage.html  But can we all have the benefits? Married partners who truly express their love, can be affirming for others. Couples who share their "dirty laundry" can make the rest of us uncomfortable. Are you happy in your marriage? There are certainly benefits, but some may be overstated.

Recently an article in the New York Times caught my eye: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/can-marriage-cure-poverty.html?hpw&rref=magazine
Titled, Can Marriage Cure Poverty, the article explores the idea that married couples are somehow boosted from the poorhouse through collective gain. While it is an easy assumption that two parties can live more efficiently than one, I think this article places too much emphasis on raw statistical analysis and too little on evidence of life realities in the 21st century.
Actually the opinion piece is critical of Florida Senator Marco Rubio for his statements on the subject. At a speech by Rubio last month he stated: In 1964, “93 percent of children born in the United States were born to married parents. By 2010 that number had plummeted to 60 percent.”
Rubio was really criticizing President Johnson and the War on Poverty, Johnson’s governmental campaign to boost the opportunity and incomes of the poor, begun in 1964. So on the 50th anniversary of the War on Poverty,  Rubio calls marriage “the greatest tool to lift children and families from poverty.” How nice. If only the other 7% of children had had married parents, there would have been no poverty to declare war upon.
Very Naïve Senator.

Another article details the other end of the spectrum: Divorce among the 1%.  http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/business/breakup-at-740-park-avenue.html?_r=0
As Julie Creswell writes, "This is a story of marriage and money in the 16-room, five-and-a-half-bath duplex world of luxury Manhattan real estate." What might be referred to as a High Asset Divorce.
The story goes on to detail the catastrophe of the Great Recession as it inspires the rich to seek divorce. Unfortunately, as unhappy marriages sometimes go, there was an allegation of a drunken assault, resulting police intervention. From there the story is all too familiar. Any equitable distribution must consider allegations of a post-nuptial agreement, claims of ownership of jewelry, insurance proceeds taken by fraud, ashtrays valuations, and all manner of argument. Collaborative Law might have helped out this situation. I wonder if Senator Rubio warned them of the poverty headed their way? Perhaps he should have because bankruptcy filings are mentioned throughout the story.

Parents must make real choices for their children. Preservation of assets may seem as though one party simply wants all the pie while leaving the cleanup to others. Actually, children of divorce have higher incidence of teen pregnancy, school disciplinary problems, and criminal activity when compared to their friends of happily married parents.

In a collaborative practice, we seek to allow parents to make the decisions normally left to the judge. We allow parents to find the best result for their family even if it is not exactly like the law may imply. What is best for your family? If divorce is being discussed, Collaborative Law should be considered.

If you have questions, call me 407-645-3297 or visit my website at www.aubreylaw.com
          I look forward to hearing from you!