Is Divorce an All or Nothing Proposal?

In Divorce, an all or nothing mentality may actually harm your chance of a normal life after. Why should it be so? Laws in Florida imply, if not outright require, a roughly 50/50 equitable distribution and recent changes to longstanding presumptions make a 50/50 timesharing proposal the seeming norm.
While an All or Nothing mentality may be bad for divorce, it seems an the All or Nothing thought on  Marriage is actually necessary. Sunday's New York Times, www.nytimes.com included an article: The All or Nothing Marriage.  http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?_r=0  "the answer to whether today’s marriages are better or worse is “both”
The author, Eli J. Finkel, explains how women's rights have actually strengthened marriages, as well as weakening them. He explores reasons why some marriages succeed despite great obstacles while others fail with little or no friction.

Anecdotally, I have seen both as well. In my dual practice of Elder Law and Family Law. I have worked on the estate planning of "happily married 60 years" octogenarians and I have worked on divorces for people married less than 8 months. The Times article deftly addresses radical differences that impact both.

While a marriage may be All or Nothing, does the feared divorce have to be? I would say No. Many people are traumatized by divorce; however, many more are happier after leaving a bad marriage. In court just yesterday, a father shook his head in disagreement as Judge Roger McDonald said some people are happier after divorce. I know his ex-wife is happier. I also know he longs for the opportunity to correct the many mistakes of 12 years ago that resulted in a divorce. The children are caught in the middle and as the same judge says in his self-published book, "It's Not the Divorce that Hurts, It's the Fighting."

We no longer live in the world of The Waltons, as the death of my favorite father figure actor Ralph Waite testifies. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/arts/television/ralph-waite-patriarch-in-tv-series-the-waltons-dies-at-85.html

Social mores are no longer attuned to a clearly religious concept of right and wrong. Today, children must be heard rather than silenced. Women can and do "have it all" as shown by the possible next Governor of Texas, Wendy Davis.  http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/16/magazine/wendy-davis.html

But, what if you don't want to just divide down the middle? What if you worked harder, contributed more, sacrificed more, brought in more, than your partner? How do we count the division of marital labor in a divorce? As time goes by, many rights that were clear a few years ago have changed. Even with regard to a swimming pool and shared use. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/18/nyregion/complex-with-a-rare-indoor-amenity-is-divided-over-who-gets-to-swim-in-it.html

As the courts try to wrangle with rights of the parties, many choose to go their own way. Rather than have the court address all manner of evidence from social media, Facebook, Twitter and the like,
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/16/sunday-review/social-media-a-trove-of-clues-and-confessions.html
some people choose a "Nothing" Divorce. As in, Nothing for the Court to Decide. Nothing worth destroying the family over. Nothing is better than destroying the relations between children and parents.

Collaborative Divorce allows the parties to work through the same questions of divorce, but with the help of a communications specialist, two attorneys and an independent financial guru to ensure that each party's needs and goals are met so far as is possible. The Parties Make All Decisions. Nothing is left to the Judge to decide. Routinely Collaborative Law Attorneys are surprised at how warring factions can come together across a table to agree on goals that protect their children, as well as maximize their future. Just ask one.

When you need help, call me, 407-645-3297 or visit my website, www.aubreylaw.com
And just for reading this, enjoy this little nugget: